I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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