u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
