he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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