Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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