she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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