probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
