I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
