when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
