Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
