I want to make a zoo with you.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
