That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
