I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
