I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
