I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
