It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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