My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
