billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
