im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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