She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
