I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
