She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
