nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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