All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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