I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
