I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
