Four minutes until I can fart!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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