yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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