Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's always time for handjobs
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
