i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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