It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
