i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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