I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
