How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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