No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
