I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
