worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
