i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
