I can feel you judging me through the phone.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
