I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
