oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
