so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
