just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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