WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize