She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
