I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
