I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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