Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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