took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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