We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
