If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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