i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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