So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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