***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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