your parents love me but you hate me
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
