I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
